Not defective

Anyone who knows me at all, will also know I do not fit into any 'normal' box. I cannot simply be pigeonholed, nor do I want to be.

So, yesterday when I read on Kezzie's blog about the #CuddleYourDefect project (to help people stop hiding their defects and to see them in a more positive way), conceived by Maggie of The Indian Savage Diary, I started thinking. 

It was a long process as I have so many 'defects' to choose from. Actually, I prefer to think of them as 'quirks', as they enhance my personality and make me an interesting individual, as opposed to preventing me from functioning properly. I finally decided which one to share...

You may or may not know that I have ADHD. It is commonly referred to as 'Adult ADHD'... because I am an adult... and I have ADHD. I love that! 

Some days I am better at hiding it than on other days. Some days I feel like hiding more than on others. But I have it every day. It doesn't turn off just because someone says, "Will you pleeeease stop interrupting and listen!" or "You are just going to HAVE to remember it!" or "Well, I suggest you GET organised then!" (Oh, I love people! Really!). And it is almost certainly more frustrating for me than for any of the people having to 'cope' with me.

(Oh, I can see now that this post has been a long time coming.)

I am only 40, which is not old, but I grew up in a world very different to that of today. It is not unheard of to have 2-3 children in a class with a diagnosis of ADHD and among the parents of the children who have no diagnosis, approximately 20% of them (mostly the parents of very active boys) will have decided that their child has the condition on the basis that he doesn't listen, can't sit still and leaves his jumper and water bottle in the classroom at the end of each day. I digress (but I have ADHD, that's my prerogative :D). My point is, I had to cope in a system where my struggle to pay attention was called 'daydreaming', my slow work pace was 'laziness' and my untidy handwriting was 'carelessness'. I was quite well behaved and so survived school, never knowing there was a reason for these difficulties, just thinking I was somehow inadequate. No matter how hard I tried to not daydream, to write more quickly or neatly, I failed. That does wonders for a child's self-esteem.

I did not reach adulthood and suddenly become enlightened. It was hard watching other people seemingly sail through life, while I struggled with everything.

I naïvely navigated the world of work, trying to build a career which would justify all those years spend at school, college and Uni. I worked so hard, but got frustrated that I could not seem to do what I knew I was capable of, repeatedly being let down by my lack of organisation or by not being able to complete tasks quickly enough. Each time I changed jobs, which was every 2-3 years, I convinced myself things would be different. I will be more organised and people will see how good I am.

In 2005, I went back to Uni and trained as a primary teacher. This was going to be my thing. It was the same. I moved schools every year, sometimes more than once, sometimes doing supply and teaching at a different school every day. Nothing stayed the same. It was not conducive to a happy, stable family life, particularly having one child with Asperger Syndrome, for whom a predictable and regular daily routine was extremely important. 

The time came when I had to be honest with myself. I loved teaching, but it was draining the life out of me. I was having to work twice as many hours as I should have just to get the bare minimum done and didn't feel like I was being a good teacher and certainly didn't feel like I was being a good mum to my two children. So, while working on a temporary contract at a school, I made a very tough decision. I gave up teaching at the end of the academic year 2011/2012 and took a support role in the same school. 

Life changed almost instantly. I was much happier and less stressed at work and life improved for my whole family. 

I respect that diagnosis is not for everyone, but I had just given up a career I loved and so needed some reassurance that there was a reason I had found it so difficult; that it was not just me being bad at my job. I was finally diagnosed with ADHD in October 2013 and it's been great.

Now I have told you the story so far, let me tell you why ADHD is not a defect, but is something amazing...

1. I can find anything. My brain works quickly, thinking more laterally than the neurotypical (NT) brain, so I can find things in a few minutes, that others can hunt for for hours. (This is bad for my kids, because when I say, "You just haven't looked!" they know I will then go and find it easily.)
   
2. I am an awesome problem solver. Because I can think laterally, I make connections that others don't, enabling me to find solutions to problems other people hadn't thought of.
   
3. A great thing about a brain that works in the way mine does, is that I invariably have a quick witted, smart remark to respond to people trying to make me look stupid. I have had to learn to control this though, because at times the comment has left my mouth before I have had time to censor it and consider the consequences.
   
4. I am good at time-keeping. This may sound strange, but because I cannot estimate time easily or frequently get distracted and lose track of time, I have lots of strategies in place to ensure I am never late, for example: I set lots of alarms on my phone. (Each alarm also has a reminder in case I switch it off while I am distracted). So, because I know it is something I am not naturally good at, I am hyper-aware of it and am therefore rarely have a problem with it. (I do get frustrated though when other people make me late and I can see that we could have been on time!)
   
5. I don't have loads of friends, but the ones I do have are proper friends, who accept me for who I am - people who can see the positive in me. It's not easy being a friend to someone with ADHD. They talk a lot, say what they think, often without censoring, and can, at times, be just like having a demanding, hyper child around.
   
6. I am honest. People know that when they say, "What do you think?" I will tell them exactly what I think. People come to me because they know they can trust me to be open and honest with them. (They also sometimes hide when they see me coming, if they know they don't want to hear what I have to say!) I have learnt to try to be considerate of other people's feelings when speaking my mind and don't always get this right, but my close family and friends understand this and (mostly) accept it.
   
7. I am good at putting things off till tomorrow. That might sound like a bad thing, but, because of this, I am terrible at checking my bank account to make sure I have enough money, so I delegated this job to my husband. He tells me what I can / can't spend and I never have to worry about it.
   
8. I am quite forgetful, even of things that I do every day. About 15 years ago I forgot to take my contraceptive pill and now have a beautiful 14 year old daughter.
   
9. I talk. (To give you some idea, I talk like I write - just look at my blog posts!) However, it enables me to get to know people. When I join a new group or start a new job, I make friends quickly, because I can always think of something to chat about. My openness encourages others to be open too.
   
10. When I am standing or sitting, I can be still (apart from my hands - I like to fiddle with blu-tac or a clicky pen), but my brain is not still. I am generally taking in all the little details around me. This helps me with finding things as I explained above, but also means I notice details that pass others by.
    
11. The coolest thing about the above is that I can read people's body language. I have no idea how I do it, but it is a kind of intuitive thing. I have been able to do this since I was really little. It's really useful, especially if I need to know if someone is being honest.
    
12. Because I have spend so many years thinking there was something wrong with me (before realising it was something cool that I could expect other people to accept), I am not judgemental of people. I always look for the good in people and never judge someone based on what others say about them. I am also empathetic to other people going through a hard time and am always happy to help if I can.
    
13. It doesn't take long for people to realise that I am quite quirky. Open minded, non-judgemental people can accept me for who I am. The ones who can't are not people I want to spend time with anyway, so it saves me spending time and energy on false people.

There is so much more cool stuff about having ADHD. I could go on, but you get the picture. I really like the #CuddleYourDefect idea. Generally, I am such a positive person anyway, I look for the good in everything. I have been through some awful things in my life, but no matter how bad it gets, there is always something good to be found. 

Go #CuddleYourDefect my friends :)